Developer: The Pokémon Company
Publisher: Nintendo
Released: 2020
Platforms: iOS | Google Play | Switch

Remember when I wrote an article about specific mobile games that I found excessively grindy and boring? I was being too polite; they’re all terrible. All of these half-decent games railroad you into the same paywall BS, and I’m sick of it. Genshin Impact is the final free-to-play game I’ve looked into before swearing off the scene entirely (until I make a hypocrite of myself, obviously).

Pokémon Cafe ReMix is an alleged improvement to its previous incarnation. I vaguely remember playing the older one for a couple hours, but then uninstalling it. It reminded me of Pokémon Shuffle, another terrible money grubber that Nintendo pushed onto the 3DS.

During the window that I enjoyed ReMix, it did a great job hitting my brain’s dopamine generator. It’s a modified Match 2+ Bejeweled game, but with a food theme and Pokémon crossover. As You chain together Pokémon icons, they clump together and manipulate obstacles on the board. It’s loosely similar to Yo-kai Watch Wibble Wobble/Puni Puni that I used to play religiously.

Your team assists the chef with designing adorable drinks and entrés themed around other Pokémon. The player must complete each stage under par, rack up a high enough score, and clear all obstacles on the board. Sugar cubes, whipped cream swirls, chestnuts, milk canisters, and more have a specific strategy involved to remove them.

Every Pokémon has specialties and techniques to efficiently manipulate the board. As you level them up, they can remove even more obstacles. In addition, a Pokémon can have alternate costumes that affect their playstyle, offering flexibility to strategize each stage with the same characters.

ReMix’s early game progression feels fair. Then the paywall hits (~level 100 for me), and everything goes south. The money-grubbing paywall is inevitable in every one of these goddamn mobile games.

To circumvent the usual agonizing grind, ReMix offers their currency for real money, as well a Battle Pass, because of course it does. $10 a month gives you an exclusive Pokémon costume, and you can grab resources faster. As an added bonus, the Battle Pass allows you to not play the game every waking minute! Gee, thanks!

When you enter a level, icons appear of your leader Pokémon and 3+ randomly chosen units from your collection. My final pre-rage quit Pokémon was Pichu, an objectively weak unit based on its base score value. I wasn’t too bothered by it, when it hit me: I could get stuck with Pichu in my randomized slots. 

I had Pokémon with values easily over 100, while Pichu had 70. This meant that reaching a level’s minimum score requirement could become harder, all because of Pichu’s stupid mug. I unwillingly shot myself in the foot for daring to collect a Pokémon.

And that’s when I uninstalled Pokémon Cafe ReMix. There have been several large updates since I’ve played, but I don’t care. Avoid this trash.