Thanks to Slowpoke’s extensive family tree, there’s a lot to discuss and love about this dopey-faced monster!

Slowpoke’s entire reputation revolves around its incredibly dim intellect. Its movements are sluggish, its reaction to outside stimuli is heavily delayed, and it’s even named after the word “slowpoke.” This Pokémon is nearly impervious to pain because of the time it takes to process it.

It may have a Water-Psychic typing, but Slowpoke’s powers are neither documented nor very powerful to begin with. It simply dawdles the day away by fishing for prey, using a sweet ooze at the tip of its tail as bait… provided it even remembers to do that in the first place.

Slowpoke’s eccentric personality is encapsulated perfectly in its simple yet effective design. While I believe its design would benefit from additional textures and patterns, I don’t think Slowpoke is terrible as-is. As I’ve mentioned before, sometimes simplicity just works.

I like how Slowpoke appears to be a cross between a hippopotamus and a bear, but with a “cutesy” twist. I especially love its perpetual mile-long grin and spaced eyes, as if it just realized the meaning of a joke. It all makes Slowpoke look as friendly and huggable as a child’s plush toy.

When it comes to the core Pokémon games, Slowpoke has an important world-building role. In Gold, Silver, and Crystal Versions, not only do players learn that Slowpoke can lose and regrow its tail, but it’s considered a delicacy to humans.

The nefarious Team Rocket takes this a step further and mercilessly chops off Slowpoke tails to sell for outrageous prices. This story arc was a hard-hitter for many young Pokémon fans. It was the first time a Pokémon game explicitly talked about eating the magical creatures, making players feel blindsided by the sudden dark connotations. And to further drive the point home, they had to witness several of the Slowpokes victimized by Team Rocket’s cruelty. Even if other characters assured their tails would grow back, it was still an unsettling sight.

…Well, the limited 8-bit visuals didn’t do any justice, but it was the thought of what was transpiring in a child-friendly video game that was so effective.

The lore doesn’t stop there. More recently, Slowpoke tails were brought up again in Moon Version. Unique to this copy of the generation VII games, its Pokédex entry only talks about using Slowpoke’s tail in stews. In Alola, the only biological record about Slowpoke is a recipe card. It’s comedic yet tragic in the same breath. Poor Slowpoke!

Slowpoke is a goofy and lovable character, and I like it. There are some twisted ideas behind its design, but make Slowpoke all the more interesting to talk about.

But there’s more to Slowpoke than the ideas discussed here. Much more will be unraveled upon its evolution into Slowbro. Because Slowpoke is the framework to more concepts, it gets a standard rating for now.

Under normal circumstances, I’d complain about Slowpoke’s evolution “barely changing at all” and writing it off as underwhelming. However, Slowbro is far more impressive than initial looks may suggest.

Out of everything Slowpoke can fish for, Shellder (a Pokémon I’ll be reviewing later) is a prized catch, for the two share a unique relationship.

If (and only if) a Shellder clamps on Slowpoke’s tail, it triggers Slowpoke’s body to undergo evolution. However, Slowpoke has done little more than stand up straight, with minor growths of fingers, toes, and body scales. Suffice to say that the renamed “Slowbro” isn’t an incredible visual change.

Instead, it’s the parasitic relationship that makes this character so amusing. It’s hilarious that Shellder was the one to evolve, and not its host. Shellder has conformed its shell to wrap around Slowpoke’s entire tail, with razor-sharp teeth to further secure its spot.

And of course, because of Slowpoke’s dim wit, it doesn’t really sense the pain from its parasite, nor does it care. Shellder is almost guaranteed to have a lifetime supply of the tail’s juice.

While Shellder mutually benefits off of Slowpoke/Slowbro, the same can’t be said for vice versa. Aside from a healthy boost to its Defense and Special Attack stats, Shellder doesn’t do much for its host.

Then again, it may be unable to do anything even if it wanted to. The best Shellder can do is urge Slowpoke to pay attention by crunching on its tail. Once again, it’s tragic yet comedic. Even with a second pair of eyes, Slowbro is still the same old Slowpoke, just with a new coat of paint.

Not everything is so easy-going for Shellder. There’s a reason I said “almost guaranteed” earlier; according to the Pokédex, it’s possible for Shellder to detach and degenerate Slowbro back into Slowpoke. To this day, Slowbro (and its relative, Slowking) are the only Pokémon that can experience devolution! It’s a novel concept when paired with the whole parasitic relationship.

While I’ve been discussing all the ideas that comprise Slowbro’s character, it’s important to note that the core video games don’t reflect this lore as well. Ever since its inception in the original Red and Blue Versions, Slowpoke simply evolves into Slowbro starting at level 37.

In today’s games, it may come across as puzzling to newer players. After all, Game Freak has implemented dozens of specific evolution methods over the years. Mantyke, for example is a Pokémon that only evolves if the player also has a Remoraid in their party. Logically, a similar method should be possible for Slowpoke.

I reckon that technological restrictions in the 1990’s prevented such an idea from making it into the early Pokémon games. Back then, video games as a collective whole were arguably primitive compared to today’s, often because the technology and knowledge simply didn’t exist yet. After all, when Ruby and Sapphire Versions were released for the GameBoy Advance, none of the GameBoy Color games could even communicate with them. Programming has improved significantly since the 90’s.

While there’s a plausible explanation why Slowbro used to have simple means to obtain, I don’t think it makes sense to keep them the same now. Game Freak has kept tradition with their old Pokémon for well over two decades. While great for product consistency, I feel they’re sorely missing out on a great opportunity. With updated mechanics, I imagine that Slowbro’s devolution could have a purpose in battle.

Imagine if Slowbro could randomly lose the Shellder on its tail if it sustained enough damage. It would cause Slowbro to switch back into Slowpoke and continue battle, while Shellder frantically flails next to it. At the end of the next turn, Shellder could collect its thoughts and return Slowbro to its regular form.

Regular Slowbro could have high offensive and defensive stats, while “devolved” Slowbro would have heavily reduced offenses, but even more defense than before (since there’s nothing to keep Slowpoke’s attention or remind it of pain). That, or “devolved” Slowbro’s stats are the same, but any and all status conditions, weather effects, and other passive damage is ignored during this form.

Pokémon like Darmanitan, Meloetta, Minior, Wishiwashi, Zygarde, and all the Mega Evolutions have proven that Game Freak can code monsters that physically change forms on the fly. Even their typing, abilities, and stats are altered when this happens! A similar base concept could definitely be applied to Slowbro.

Ultimately, it’s not a dealbreaker that Slowbro’s lore only exists as flavor text in the video games. While I appreciate Game Freak trying to maintain consistency in how Pokémon are obtained, I can’t help but muse over what could be done with a face lift for this old character.

Overall, I love everything about Slowbro. The connections it shares with another Pokémon adds increased depth to both of their designs. What it lacks in visual pop to stand apart from its predecessor is made up for with an interesting biography. In this case, the simple change isn’t a detractor!

For the sake of organization, I’ll be discussing Mega Slowbro before Slowking, even if the latter was released first.

And let me start off by saying that I adore this thing.

In a world where the majority of Mega Evolutions are edgy, fierce, and easy to market as toys, Mega Slowbro is just plain ridiculous and fun. The reveal of this Pokémon during Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire’s promotions was a wonderful surprise.

It’s easy to spot that – once again – Slowpoke wasn’t the one to evolve. That’s because Shellder steals every ounce of energy gained during Mega Evolution and applies it to itself. As a result, Shellder turns into a gigantic suit of armor, leaving Slowpoke at the mercy of its parasitic ally.

Mega Slowbro continues to play on that comedy-tragedy archetype I’ve been repeating in this article. Slowpoke appears stressed wearing such bulky and tight-fitting garb, sitting mere inches away from Shellder’s massive fangs. Only its front arms can poke through the shell, whereas the rest of its body is trapped within the living armor.

The more I think about it, the more I get the impression Shellder is trying to be helpful for its host. It’s no longer attached to Slowpoke’s tail, and in fact has it exposed instead. Shellder has abandoned the entire point of its parasitic relationship in favor of protecting as much of Slowpoke as possible. After all, how can Shellder reliably expect the dopey Slowpoke to defend itself from danger?

I feel there are two sides to the coin with Mega Slowbro. On the one hand, it’s dark and twisted that Slowpoke is in such a predicament. On the other, it seems like Shellder is genuinely trying to look out for Slowpoke, but this is the most “streamlined” it can get from Mega Evolution.

To cement Mega Slowbro’s wacky appeal and why I love it so much, look no further than its in-game animations.

Nevermind that most Psychic-type Pokémon can channel their telekinetic powers to levitate. Nevermind that nearly all fish Pokémon magically hover above dry land for unexplained yet accepted reasons. Mega Slowbro uses its tail to balance and spin around on it like a top.

That is absolutely ridiculous! It’s all so precious, I grin from ear to ear every time I see it. This seemingly useless feature makes Mega Slowbro extra awesome.

My only criticism of Mega Slowbro is the recurrence of minimal detail on its design. Once again, it’s a lot of base colors with very little patterns or variation. Shellder’s simplified shape isn’t terrible, but looks more like a series of inflatable tubes than a spiral shell.

Now that I think about it, that’s actually a great coincidence! The thought of Slowpoke wearing a giant pool float makes its design all the more hilarious and endearing. I’d still argue that modifications could be made, but it’s not as bad with this idea in mind.

Aside from a couple nitpicks, Slowbro got a Mega Evolution that fits perfectly with its family tree. There’s a lot of zany character communicated in just a few sets of images and GIFs. I’m impressed that Game Freak achieved that with this Pokémon!

Slowpoke’s evolutionary family ends with a branching transformation. If Slowpoke is traded with a King’s Rock, it becomes Slowking instead of Slowbro.

The idea here is that Shellder somehow clamped onto Slowpoke’s head (I don’t know where the King’s Rock plays into this; just roll with it). The poison Shellder releases causes Slowpoke’s intelligence to skyrocket, fully unlocking its psychic potential. In full tradition of the previous evolutions, Slowpoke undergoes minor aesthetic changes, while Shellder reforms into a completely new shape – this time, a turban-like hat.

It’s an interesting concept, but one that unfortunately doesn’t captivate me that much. At this point, the “Shellder grows more than Slowpoke” gag has exhausted me. It’s odd that I say that, because Slowking was released during Pokémon’s second generation, whereas Mega Slowbro wasn’t until over a decade later in generation six. Somehow, Mega Slowbro wasn’t annoying to me as much as Slowking for using this formula.

Perhaps it’s because I wish Slowking did more with its concept. Even before Mega Slowbro’s existence, Slowking has always blended in with its other evolutions. It’s not the worst design imaginable, but it’s easily forgettable because of how “samey” it looks.

I like the overall kingly motif going on with Slowking, and I love how Shellder looks as a crown for its head. However, Game Freak dropped the ball by performing only the bare minimum to communicate this concept. I think Slowking’s design would benefit from an entire outfit made out of frills, not just one piece wrapped around its neck. Another interesting idea would be Shellder’s carapace creating the “clothing,” as it would add that extra texture and variation that I’ve harped on with this evolutionary family.

Outside of its visual set pieces, Slowking doesn’t have much to offer to the franchise’s lore. While I was able to ramble extensively about Slowbro’s parasitic relationship, information about Slowking begins and ends at, “It’s a smart Pokémon.” Moon Version references Alola having a proverb about Slowking, but it’s nothing more than trivia extraneous to the game’s main plot.

Slowking might be best known for its appearance in Pokémon the Movie 2000, but it wasn’t a large role. It’s supposed to be an important and respected guardian of an ancient shrine, yet seems to exist in the film simply because it can. Everything it explains to the heroes could have easily been spoken by another character. Slowking feels like little more than a device to move the plot forward, with the occasional comedic relief sprinkled in (since children’s films simply “must” have such moments). Even in a larger-scale Pokémon movie, nothing of substance is added to Slowking’s appeal.

Unfortunately, that’s all I have to say about Slowking. There are only so many ways I can say that this character is okay, but nothing spectacular. I like that Slowking acts as the opposite of Slowbro in a “dimwit turned genius” scenario, but I don’t feel the concept fully takes off the ground. Had Shellder been incorporated more heavily into this design, I feel Slowking could have stood apart from its other evolutions and been something much more interesting.

Galarian Review: Added January 31, 2021

Slowpoke was never big on my radar growing up (I reckon it’s more popular outside of America). But from a marketing perspective, it makes perfect sense to spoil this lovable goof with more attention on par with Pikachu and Meowth.

That said, Generation 8’s bonus Slowpoke is… completely pathetic (and not in the endearing way).

Simply put, I’m angry that Galarian Slowpoke is a palette swap. It’s a trope any other monster-collecting RPG does to quickly stretch its roster, and it’s something I can forgive early Game Freak for leaning on. But this is inexcusable 20 years later from a company who built a reputation for making nearly every monster design unique.

The little ridges on Slowpoke’s forehead are cute additions, but don’t translate to its silhouette. Without the yellow patches, literally the only difference between Galarian and Kantonian Slowpoke is whether or not their tail is held up.

Perhaps that’s the joke, but I’m not taking the bait. Slowpoke’s family dwarves Pidgey’s when it comes to copy-pasted design elements, and I had little patience back with Pidgey.

The yellow spots are due to a spicy fruit Slowpoke eats exclusively in the Galar region. This fact brings a couple quick fixes to mind. I could suggest making its head and tail inflamed, but a misshapen Slowpoke would undermine its huggable marketing (which admittedly sounds awesome as an “anti-cute” gimmick).

A stronger idea would be to mould Slowpoke’s tail into an imitation of its favorite spicy fruit. I could imagine Slowpoke lazing around bushes where this fruit grows, causing Shellder to beach themselves by clamping onto actual branches by mistake.

There’s just one problem with this concept: I couldn’t get it to work myself. I didn’t spend more than a half hour on this exercise, but my “final” sketch was chosen out of defeat.

Two roadblocks kept getting in my way. The worst one was avoiding phallic shapes, since most fruits and seeds have a bulbous shape. The other was making the “bait” not look tacked onto the design.

And even if I or Game Freak could get this concept to look decent, it’d be a pointless endeavor; Shellder never even bites Slowpoke’s tail in Galar. This entire tangent is scrapped by the time Slowbro or Slowking come into the picture. I’d have to put the fake fruit on one of Slowpoke’s arms… which circles me back to the “misshapen” argument.

Even if my ideas were dead ends, I’m not done harping on the bigger picture. If I split hairs, I can show how other alternate-form Pokemon nail their minimal facelifts.

Of my recent articles, I explained how changing the size of just one element impacts the way a character carries themselves. Farfetch’d has the same body shape in Galar, but a completely different silhouette because of its heavy, oversized leek.

Zigzagoon and Diglett are examples where their two forms are nearly identical, but have something visibly different outside of a palette swap. Galarian Zigzagoon sticks out its tongue, while Alolan Diglett (speaking of “splitting hairs”) has steel fibers sprouting from its head.

With Rattata, its Alolan form adds tiny details visible in silhouette, changes its posture (in the games), and is also a palette swap.

I hope I’ve made it (painfully) clear why I hate Galarian Slowpoke so much. Sure, it’s a teaser that something cooler is planned later, but it’s unforgivable to not let it be more unique from its extended family now.

I’m just doomed to be a broken record, aren’t I?

To be fair to Galarian Slowbro, I greatly enjoy its written concept. Its spicy diet induces a chemical reaction when bit by Shellder, turning it half-Poison type. In a twist, Slowpoke has more control over Shellder. It can use Shellder as a poisonous arm cannon on command by yanking at its tongue. I absolutely love these ideas!

But as usual, it’s all a footnote on a mostly copy-pasted design. My same exhaustion detailed throughout this mega article is felt here.

At the very least, Shellder’s design feels balanced compared to its other iterations. The alternating spikes offer much needed variety to its mostly plain body.

Galarian Slowbro also managed to give me nostalgia for a completely useless tangent (that I’ll proceed to share anyways). When I was a kid, I found a small (Kanto) Slowbro in a toy shop – the only one in stock. I was disappointed to find that several glaring paint blemishes couldn’t be scrubbed off with soap and water.

But in a moment of inspiration, I deliberately added more blemishes with crayons. The idea was to create a Pokemon that looked “bruised” from battle. The largest “bruises” – by sheer coincidence – were purple markings on Slowbro’s hands.

Had Galarian Slowbro been announced when I was younger, I would have confidently announced that I beat Game Freak to the punch. Today, it’s a hilarious inside joke that’s really only funny to me.

With that train successfully derailed, there’s nothing else I can say about this Slowbro. I’m tired of repeating myself.

At last, I feel there’s a decent Galar facelift for this evolutionary family. With Slowking, it goes the same route Farfetch’d took: exaggerate a shape or two and change the posture.

Shellder underwent another drastic physical change unique to its other forms. The strange eyes and purple gradient descending from Shellder to Slowking perfectly communicate the poison-filled mind control Shellder has placed on its host.

Simply stretching Slowking’s frill was a brilliant choice on Game Freak’s part. It turns a previously drab bit of “clothing” into a sinister cape. While I’d still prefer a more extravagant outfit, this longer frill is visually better than the Kanto one.

This time around, the Pokedex talks more about Shellder’s new powers (much to Slowking’s dismay). Shellder has an aggressive and wicked approach to the world, in contrast to Slowking’s peaceful and wise. This Slowking is known for mysteriously chanting and creating potions out of its own toxins. Slowking in Galar is effectively an evil warlock to Kanto’s benevolent wizard.

It took a couple misses, but I’d say Galar brought at least one hit to this Pokemon family. I favor this Slowking over the “vanilla” design by far. It might not overthrow my preference for Kantonian Slowbro (and its Mega), but Galarian Slowking is a solid addition to Slowpoke’s legacy worth giving credit.